I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
