Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
