I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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