I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
