I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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