So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
