My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
