I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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