Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
