Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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