just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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