I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
