Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
