I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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