The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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