i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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