Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
