1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
