i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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