yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
