oh god the rape fog is back!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
