We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
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Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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