Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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