The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
