plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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