Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
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