Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
