This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
