I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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