Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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