I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
