I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
