Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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