You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
