When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
