after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
