if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
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Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night