i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
