...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
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drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
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I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.