i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.