I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid