The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
then he tried to convert me to islam
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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