"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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