Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.