i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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