So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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