Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
