the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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