Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
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Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"