If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml