life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this beer tastes like vomit already
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
