i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My bed smells like the plague
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?