I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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