Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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