Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
