I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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