Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you inspire me to be a worse person
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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