There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
