hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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