i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
