The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
